Schwerkopf

There's that feeling just before you cry when everything inside you feels as if it's sinking quickly --being pulled towards some point deep inside your soul. It only lasts an instant and then the tears come out and the feeling subsides and all that's left is the liquid leaking from your sinuses. But i feel right now like that sinking feeling is possessing me more often than i am without it. I don't know what to think. I can't think. I don't want to leave but i want to go home. At least for a couple reasons. But there are a lot of reasons i want to stay. I know when i leave, it will all be over. My semester abroad will be done and i'll never have it back. And no one will ever understand what i went through. Ever. And even if i stayed, it would still be over. All of the friends i've made here would be gone and it wouldn't be the same no matter how hard i tried to make it so. I would no longer be in a semester abroad but rather simply living in Germany. I don't want to leave Anne and Kathi and the rest of my friends i've made here. I'm going to miss her so much. But even though i know we're going to see each other again, i also know that just like my semester abroad, it will never be the same. So much time apart is no doubt going to change so much and i'm afraid of not knowing the extent of how much or in what ways it will change. I have been plagued by either intense feelings of sorrow or else sheer happiness and there have only occasionally in the last few months been any other emotions between the two. This is quite hard for me to comprehend but it's how i've been living and i'm not sure what it's done to me. I know i've changed a lot but i haven't been home or around a norm (z.b. family and friends) against which to compare myself to see just how much i've changed. Last night i went to bed before it was completely dark wishing i was dead (or maybe just that i had the last two months of my life back so that i could try to make some sense of it a second time around). I wanted to cry but i couldn't. I knew i wouldn't feel better again until i did but i just couldn't. I lay awake for hours intentionally trying to make myself cry but it was all to no avail. This morning i felt quite normal and finished up the last of my homework. I packed up my bag to go down to the campus as i have no food in my room and had planned to grab some bread or something and then spend the rest of the time in the library before class. But as i was walking out of the door, the tears came suddenly. I dunno why. Maybe it's my mood combined with this dreary weather that's seemed to have occurred the last couple of weekends. It was just two or three tears and it only lasted for a minute but that sinking feeling is still in my gut --like my body forgot to switch it off after i succeeded in crying. It is a terrible feeling. I would honestly rather feel pain. I don't know what to think and i'm not sure about anything anymore. And i mean anything. Everything i've ever believed is all being distorted and sinking with me and i don't like this at all.

Yesterday evening i stood at my window with it opened and watched the rain come across the field. It was rather heavier than normal German rain (though it has become increasingly so during the last month or so, due to summer no doubt). As the rain got to my dorm, i felt the desire to remain there. In fact i leaned out of the window a bit and let the rain consume me. It was blowing directly onto me and into my room but i did not care. I could hardly even feel it. I felt like i was already wet and so it couldn't get any worse. It felt as though it was raining in my soul.